never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
