I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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