my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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