Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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