she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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