I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
