Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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