it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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