does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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