every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
