You're my little dorito
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
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