Dude my mom stole all your condoms
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize