i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
So apparently I’m into choking now
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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