Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize