You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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