I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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