Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
