seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
