Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
