Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
