apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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