If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
