I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
