my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
