just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
