I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
