This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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