Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
