dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
