I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
