We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
