Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
