I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
