Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
