the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
