Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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