This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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