'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
