Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
