Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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