Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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