the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
