It's like a parade of train wrecks.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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