You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
