When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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