I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
