Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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