I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize