i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
