the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
