so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
