Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
