You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
