Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
