Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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