On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
