News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
